ACTUAL Announcements Taken from Church Bulletins: Differences Between Prison and Work
Dr. Seuus's Newest Book Joke Tobacco Money Farmer Joe Joke Around The Corner: By Henson Towne
These courtroom conversations TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Thank goodness for heroes.
NOTE:This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME______________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH______________
HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #___________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES______________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS__________________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____
Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent? ___________________________
If NO, please explain _________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ________________________________
If less than your age, explain ________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________
Do you own a van? _______________
A truck with oversized tires? _______________
A waterbed? _______________
A pickup with a mattress in the back? _______________
A condom? _______________
Pornography? _______________
Do you have earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring? _______________
A tattoo? _______________
(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)
In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?____________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you? ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you? _______________________ ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________
Church you attend ______________________________________________________
How often you attend ___________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
priest? _____________
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: ____________________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: ____________________________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the: ____________________________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ____________________________________________________________________
E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is: ____________________________________________________________________
NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.
What do you want to do IF you grow up? ____________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________
What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _____________________
Condoms come in packages of (circle one)
A: 3
B: 6
C: 9
D: 12
E: ALL OF THE ABOVE
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO HE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, ATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER ORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
_______________________________________ Signature (that means sign your name moron)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).
1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
2) Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7) Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8) Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9) Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
10) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
11) The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12) Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
13) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
17) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
18) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
19) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
20) Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
21) The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
22) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child.
23) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
24) The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
25) The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."
In prison you spend a majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you're just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you can't even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are sadistic wardens. At work, we have managers.
Would you eat Evander's ear?
Would you Mikey? Tell me clear.
I would not like that ear to eat
I do not think it would taste sweet.
Ears are flavored bitter, friend,
and they've been known careers to end.
Could you eat that fleshy thing?
would you eat it in the ring?
Would you bite it on a dare
and store it in the Frigidaire?
I could not store it in the fridge.
It is mostly cartilage.
I will not bite Evander's flesh
whether frozen, fried, or fresh.
You could be tempted, this i know
If things do not the right way go.
Your tiny brain will start to shout,
"this is a way to get me out!"
I will not eat it on a dare,
i will not eat it hanging there.
even if the fight I lose
that's not a mouthful i would chewz.
Would you eat it in the ring?
Would you eat it for Don King?
Don King can ask, and ask, ask he
won't goad me "sause that is nasty.
but what of head butts from Evander?
He'll knock your noodle, you know he can, sir.
he can butt me all he likes.
That does not mean his ear I bites.
Oh no! He butted Mikey's head!
He butted it just like I said!
Bite his ear! For vengeance sake!
Nibble on it like a snake.
i would not, could not bite his ear!
it would cost me my career.
bite it, Mikey! Bite it off!
Are you starting to get soft?
OK!OK! I'll bite that thing!
I will bite it in the ring.
Hey... Tastes just like chicken from Colonel Sanders!
I like this chunk of ear Evander's.
Now I would like a second bite.
A guy gets hungry in the fight.
You bit it! Geez! You bit his ear!
Our lust for blood ain't that severe.
You need control inside the ring.
Now there's two Mikeys who'll eat anything!
One bite is fine, but two's too much.
You make us want to toss up lunch.
we shelled out big for Pay-per-view
To watch a fight, not have to spew.
You'll be fined three million smackers.
and have to refund all your backers.
They paid to see you beat him bloody.
not bite his ears that's yuchy, buddy.
Why did you bite him? What's the scoop?
Why to gnawing did you stoop?
it was anger! I saw red!
When he butted on my head!
Things just happen in the ring
When boxers snap, they do weird things.
we don't buy it. You're a pro!
The whole damn story! We must know!
OK,OK. you've earned the right.
you paid fifty bucks to watch the fight.
Why did i bite him? here's the tale---
I got a taste for it in jail.
Wow! what a story. Now tell us Mike,
What your future plans are like.
I think I'll sell off all the rights
To market various merchandise.
We'll sell action figures! What a trip!
Like "Iron Mike" with "Kung Chew" grip.
So you bite him on the ear.
That's all we'll hear about, I fear,
until some other news breaks clear
And pushes biting to the rear.
I guess we like it when we see
People biting on TV.
We only have ourselves to blame
for watching such a bloody game.
Would you decline his ear to bite
If you got paid 10 mill per fight?
Let me ! I'd bite it in the ring!
I'd bite it off! I'd eat the thing!
I'd swallow it with Gatorade--
For a tenth of what Mike got paid.
Q: Could you please explain the recent historic tobacco settlement?
A: Sure! Basically, the tobacco industry has admitted that it is killing people by the millions, and has agreed that from now on it will do this under the strict supervision of the federal government.
Q: Will there be monetary damages assessed?
A: Yes. To compensate for the immense suffering caused by its products, the tobacco industry will pay huge sums of money to the group most directly affected.
Q: Lawyers?
A: Yes.
Q: Will the federal government also receive large quantities of money?
A: Of course.
Q: How will the tobacco industry obtain this money?
A: By selling more tobacco products.
Q: What if consumers stop buying tobacco products?
A: That would be very bad. That would mess up the economics of the whole thing. The government would probably have to set up an emergency task force to figure out ways to get people smoking again in order to finance the historic tobacco settlement.
Q: If the government really wants people to stop smoking, how come it doesn't just make cigarettes illegal?
A: Because people would smoke them anyway.
Q: Then how come the government makes crack cocaine illegal?
A: That is an unfair comparison. The tobacco industry is merely selling a deadly product; the crack cocaine industry is guilty of something far far worse.
Q: Failure to make large political donations??
A: Yes.
Q: Many people started smoking because they watched classic movies in which glamorous Hollywood stars were always inhaling and exhaling vast clouds of smoke and looking totally cool. What will be done to correct this under the historic tobacco settlement?
A: By 1998, all classic movies will be digitally reprocessed by special Food and Drug Administration computers so that - to cite one example - in Casablanca, when Humphrey Bogart makes his dramatic final speech to Ingrid Bergman, he will have the voice of Rocky the Flying Squirrel.
Q: Whose voice will the late John Wayne have?
A: The late Lucille Ball's.
Q: What will happen to all the tobacco institute scientists, who, despite decades of dedicated research, were never able to find a single shred of evidence proving that cigarettes cause cancer?
A: At the request of the White House, they will be reassigned to the Whitewater investigation.
Q: Speaking of administration scandals, if President Clinton actually winds up in court over this Paula Jones thing, what steps will be taken to prevent the trial from turning into a grotesque and demeaning pubic spectacle?
A: Mr. Clinton's face will be covered at all times by an electronically superimposed dark blob, underneath which will be an electronic label identifying him only as "A United States President."
Q: How will the historic tobacco settlement affect the aliens whose spaceship crashed near Roswell, N.M. in 1947, and whose bodies are now being kept in top-secret government freezers?
A: Millions of dollars will be paid to their lawyers.
Q: I guess that covers it! Thanks! Smoke?
A: No, thank you. I have my own.
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.
In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.
He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her then he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.
And I never see my old friends face,
For life is a swift and terrible race,
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.
And he rang mine
if, we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.
"Tommorow" I say "I will call on Jim"
"Just to show that I'm thinking of him."
But tommorow comes and tommorow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.
Around the corner!- yet miles away,
"Here's a telegram sir, Jim died today."
And thats what we get and deserve in the end.
Around the corner, a vanished friend.
Remember to always say what you mean. If you love someone, tell them. Don't be afraid to express yourself. Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you. Beause when you decide that it is the right time, it might be too late. Seize the day. Never have regrets. And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today. Pass this along to your friends. It could make a difference. The difference between doing all that you can or having regrets which may stay with you forever.
1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?