Mike's Clean Joke Page 3

And the Lord Said, "Noah!"

Things You Should NEVER Say When Stopped by the Police!

And the Lord Said, "Noah!"

And the Lord said to Noah, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for an Ark.

"Ok" said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

Six months passed, the skies began to cloud up and the rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his yard and weeping and there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is my Ark?" A lighting bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet the code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans.

Second, I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.

Third, my neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning codes building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the City Planning Commission.

Fourth, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls.

Fifth, the carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat and still no owls.

Sixth, I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to my taking only two of each kind.

Just when I got that suit dismissed, the seventh thing that happened was that EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environment statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Supreme Being.

"Eighth, the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.

"Right now I am still trying to resolve the complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm suppose to hire, IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of Use Tax. I really don't think I can finish Your Ark for at least another five years," wailed Noah.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."

Things You Should NEVER Say When Stopped by the Police!

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doin'g about 125 to keep up with me! Good job!

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.

I was going to become a cop, but decided to finish high school.

I bet it feels good standing up and walking off those donuts, huh?

You're not going to check my trunk, are you?

Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?

Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's night stand!

So, uh, are you on the take, or what?

Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do I know why you pulled me over? Why, don't you?

What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained expert!

Hell, I couldn't have been doin' 80MPH, I ain't been out an hour.

Hey, can you give me one of those full body cavity searches?

Well, when I reached to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and became wedged between the gas pedal and the brake pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

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