Mike's Dirty Joke Page 1

Fuck Valentine's Day    Bet Joke    ONE HELLUVA HEADACHE     Tree Joke

A survey asked women what they would do if they woke up and had a penis for the day.

Cindy Crawford    TWINS    Dog named Sex Joke    To: All Employees    The top 51 worst pick up lines

Fuck Valentine's Day

Hearts and roses and kisses galore...

What the hell is all that shit for?

People get mushy and start acting queer

It is definitely the most annoying day of the year

This day needs to get the hell over with and pass

Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass

I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak

And wear only black for the rest of the week

Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade

For all they are doing is trying to get laid

The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit

Because I think love is a crock of shit

So here's my story...what else can I say?

Love bites my ass...Fuck Valentine's Day!


Bet Joke

A little old lady entered the main branch of a large downtown bank with a large grocery bag in her arms. She told the teller that she wanted to open an account to make a substantial deposit, in excess of $200,000. Further, she said that since such a large sum was involved, she would deal only with the president of the bank to make the necessary arrangements.

The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in fact, full of cash. He called upstairs and explained the situation to the bank president, who agreed to see the woman. The teller escorted her to the president`s office, and the president invited her to have a seat, which she accepted.

She repeated her request to open an account.

The president said he would take care of it personally, but his curiosity was killing him. He said, "Mind if I ask how you happened to come into such a large sum of cash?"

"Not at all," was her reply. "I bet."

"You bet?" he countered. "At the racetrack, or on professional sports, or in casinos...?"

"Nothing like that," she said. "I just ... bet. For example, I`ll bet you $50,000 that by tomorrow morning your balls will be square."

The president chuckled but, seeing that the lady had the funds to back up such a wild bet, agreed. They shook hands on it, and she promised to return at nine the next morning to follow up, and left.

As the day wore on, the president found himself frequently checking to make sure that all was in order. It was, but just as a precaution he cancelled his regular Tuesday-afternoon golf match and went home early.

The next morning when he showered, he was actually quite relieved to find that nothing had changed drastically while he slept. He confidently headed for the bank, laughing all the way at the unexpected windfall that was about to become his.

The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed hour, acompanied by a young man. When the president asked who he was, she replied that he was her lawyer, who she always brought along when payoffs involving significant sums were involved.

The president told her that sorry, she had lost that particular bet, so the funds would be outgoing rather than incoming. She insisted on examining the evidence for herself, considering the amount at stake.

He deemed it a reasonable request under the circumstances, so he stood up, unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants. She proceeded to closely inspect his jewels for any abnormalities.

As she did, the president noticed that her lawyer was standing in the corner, banging his head against the wall. He asked the lady, "What`s the matter with him?"

She paused her inspection long enough to glance at the lawyer and replied, "Oh, him. I bet him $250,000 that before ten A.M. today I`d have the president of the bank by the balls."


Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by remarkably painful headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life began to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

The doctor said, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was, of course, both shocked and depressed. He indeed wondered if he even had anything to live for at this point. Yet, he immediately decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital his mind was at long last clear, but naturally he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he felt like an entirely different person.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "I'll buy a new suit. Maybe that will cheer me up." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job," said the salesman. Joe tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure ...."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see ... 34 sleeve and ... 16 and a half neck."

Joe was once again surprised, "That's exactly right .... How did you know?"

"It's my job," said the salesman, very matter of factly. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll by this point and said, "Well, Sure ...."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... nine and a half ...wide."

Joe was astonished, "That's right .... How did you know?"

"It's my job," said the salesman. Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "So, how about a new hat?" Without hesitation, Joe said, "Sure ...."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see ... 7 5/8."

Joe was incredulous. "That's right. Man, how can you tell all of this?"

"It's my job," reiterated the salesman. The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe hesitated for a second and said, "Sure..."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "No, you can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Tree Joke

Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The other tree says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sappling. The tall tree says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech or a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

A survey asked women what they would do if they woke up and had a penis for the day. These responses were taken from the survey:

I would walk around and prod him all night long with it, whatever he is doing I'll be there prodding him with it.

I would write my name in the snow.

I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say "where is my raise?

I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him & tell him to roll over &try something new.

I would want a big one and show it off to everyone.

I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed.

I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing.

I would measure it both ways.

Pee off of a tall building.

I would get racked to see if it really hurts.

I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed.

I would see what a woman felt like on the other end.

I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day.

Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything.

Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it.

I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot.

Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best.

Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around.

See how many donuts I could carry with it.

Check out my boyfriends gag reflexes.

Cindy Crawford

There once was a young single guy on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island. Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her,and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him,wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!"

He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford! Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?" He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?" "Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on. "Now would you put on my pants?" he asks. "Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says. "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks. "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does. Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"


There were identical twin brothers by the name of Jones. John was married and Joe was single, but owned a small, delapidated boat.

It happened that the same day John's wife died, Joe's boat sank. A kind old lady met Joe on the street and, mistaking him for his brother John, said, "Oh, Mr. Jones, I'm sorry to hear of your great loss. You must feel terrible." Joe said, "Well, I'm not a bit sorry. She was rotten from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of old fish from the first time I got on her. She made water faster than anything I've ever seen. She had a bad hole in the front and a big crack in the back. The hole kept getting bigger everytime I used her. It got so I couldn't handle her at all."

"When anyone else used her, she leaked all over the place. What finished her though, was four guys from the other side of town came over looking for a good time. They asked if they could use her. I rented her to them, but warned them that she wasn't too hot. They still insisted that they would like to give her a try. The result was that the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once. Well, the strain was too much for her and she cracked right down the middle."

The old lady fainted.

Dog named Sex Joke

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him *rover* or *spot*..i called mine *sex*..now sex has been very embarrassing to me..when i went to the city hall to renew sex's license..i told the clerk i'd like a license for sex..he said..

"i would like to have one too!"..then i said..

"she is a dog!!"..he said he didnt care what she looked like..i said. "you don't understand..i've had sex since i was 9 years old."..he replied.."you must have been quite a strong boy."

when i decided to get married..i told the minister that i would like to have sex at the weddimg..he told me to wait until after the wedding was over..i said.. "but sex has played a big part in my life and my life revolves around sex."..he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church..i told him everybody would like having sex at the wedding..the next day..we were married at the justice of peace..my family is barred from the church then on..

when my wife and i went on out honeymoon..i took the dog with me..when we checked into the motel, i told the clerk that i wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for sex..he said every room in the motel is a place for sex..i said..

"you don't understand..sex keeps me awake at night.."

..the clerk said.."me too!"

one day i entered sex in a contest..but before the competition began..sex ran away..another contestant asked me why i was just looking around..i told him that i was going to have sex in the contest..he said that i should have sold my own tickets.. "you don't understand!!"..i said.."i hoped to have sex on TV!!".. he called me a show off..

when my wife and i seperated..we went to court to fight for custody of the dog..i said.. "your honor..i had sex before i was married..but sex left me after i was married..".. the judge said.. "me too!!"

last night..sex ran off again..i spent hours looking all over for her

..a cop came over and asked me what i was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning..i said.. "i'm looking for sex..".. my case comes up next thursday..

well..now i have been thrown in jail..been divorced..and had more damn troubles with that dog than i ever foresaw..why..just the other day when I went for my first session with my psychiatrist..she asked me..

"what seems to be the trouble?"..i replied..

"sex has been my best friend all of my life..but now it has left me forever..i couldn't live any longer..so lonely.."..and the doctor said..

"look mister..you should understand sex isn't a man's best friend..so get yourself a dog.."

To: All Employees

From: Management

Re. Special High Intensity Training

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than any one else. If you feel that you have not received your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your mamager.

You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers there are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. that you can handle. Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. seriously will be placed in the Departmental Employee Evaluation Program (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will be required to attend Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.).

Since all our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, the don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore,they are full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can then apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.)

If you have further questions direct them to the Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

Boss In General, Special High Intensity Training. (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)

The top 51 worst pick up lines

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.

3. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

4. Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

5. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

6. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make you Bed Rock.

7. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

8. My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going....

9. That shirt looks very becoming on U, but if I were on U, I'd be coming too.

10. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.

11. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

12. I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to "tinker" around with.

13. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the Bomb.

14. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

15. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

16. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

17. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

18. Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.

19. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

20. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

21. If you were a car, I wax you and ride you all over town.

22. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"

Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."

Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"

23. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost mine.

24. I look good on you.

25. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

26. If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?

27. You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?

28. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

29. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

30. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize.

31. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

32. Do you want to dance, No? Well I guess a fuck is out of the question.

33. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

34. I lost my bed, can I borrow yours?

35. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

36. My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, mead till hard, and serve hot.

37. Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.

38. You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.

39. Hey baby, I'm like American Express, U don't want to leave home without me.

40. Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.

41. The word for the night is legs, legs go back to my room and spread the word.

42. Hey baby, what's your name? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?

43. Hi my name is ___, remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long.

44. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

45. Was you dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.

46. Want to play conductor?? You be the engineer and I'll go Choo choo.

47. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.

48. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.

49. Guy: "haven't I seen you someplace before?"

Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore"

50. Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter I stick to the roof of your mouth.

51. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?

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