Vampire Joke An in-depth analysis of Scooby Doo The Last 10 Things any Woman Would Ever Say:
The Last 10 Things Any Man Would Ever Say Doctor Joke Religions of the World The Schitt family tree...
LEROY IS A 20 YEAR OLD 9TH GRADER - THIS IS LEROY'S HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT. HE MUST USE EACH VOCABULARY WORD IN A SENTENCE.
1. FORECLOSE: IF I PAY ALIMONY THIS MONTH I'LL HAVE NO MONEY FORECLOSE.
2. RECTUM: I HAD TO CADELLACS, BUT-MY OL' LADY RECTUM BOTE.
3. HOTEL: I GAVE MY GIRLFRIEND CRABS AND THE HOTEL EVERYBODY.
4. DISAPPOINTMENT: MY PAROLE OFFICER TOT ME IF I MISS DISAPPOINTMENT THEY GONNA SEND ME BACK TO DA BIG HOUSE.
5. PENIS: I WENT TO DA DOCTOR AND HANDED ME A CUP AND SAID PENIS.
6. CATACOMB: DON KING WAS AT THE FIGHT THE OTHER NIGHT, MAN SOMEBODY OUGHTA GIVE DAT CATACOMB.
7. ISRAEL: ALONSO TRIED TO SELL ME A ROLEX, I SAID MAN THAT LOOKS FAKE, HE SAID BULLSHIT, THAT WATCH ISRAEL.
8. UNDERMINE: THERE IS A FINE LOOKING HOE LIVING IN THE APARTMENT UNDERMINE.
9. ACOUSTIC: WHEN I WAS LIDDILE, MY UNCLE BOUGHT ME ACOUSTIC AND TOOK ME TO DA POOL HALL.
10. IRAQ: WHEN WE GOT TO DA POOL HALL, I TOL MY UNCLE IRAQ, YOU BREAK.
11. STAIN: MY MOTHER-IN-LAW STOPPED BY AN I AXED HER, DO YOU PAN ON STAIN FOR DINNER?
12. SELDOM: MY COUSIN GAVE ME TWO TICKETS TO THE NICKS GAME, SO I SELDOM
13. HONOR: AT THE RAPE TRAIL, THE JUDGE AXED MY BUDDY, WHO BE HONOR FIRST?
14. AXE: THE POLICE WANTED TO AXE ME SOME QUESTIONS.
15. FORTIFY: I AXED THE HOE HOW MUCH? SHE SAID FORTIFY.
16. INCOME: I JUST GOT IN BED WITH DA HOE AND INCOME MY WIFE.
17. TRIPOLI: I WAS GONNA BUY MY OL' LADY A BRA FOR HER BIRTHDAY, BUT I COULDN'T FIND A TRIPOLI.
18. BEFORE: 2 + 2 BEFORE.
SEMINARS FOR WOMEN
1. Are you ready to leave? -- Definition of the word "yes"
2. Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formerly "Honey, do I look fat?")
3. Elementary Map Reading
4. Crying and law enforcement
5. Advanced math seminar -- Program your VCR
6. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours
7. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: a study in contrasts
8. The Seven-Outfit Week vs. the Seven-Week Outfit
9. PMS -- It's YOUR problem, not mine (Was: It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty -- Deal With It)
10. Driving I: Getting past automatic transmission
11. Driving II: The meaning of blinking red lights
12. Driving III: Approximating a constant speed
13. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving--It's As Simple As Oil and Water
14. The Super Bowl : Not a Game--A Sacrament
15. Telephone Translations (Was: "Me too" equals "I Love You")
16. How to Earn Your Own Money but just Spend His
17. Gift giving Fundamentals (Was: Fabric Bad, Electronics Good)
18. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
19. Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
20. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
21. We forget birthdays, you forget sports stats: LET'S LET IT DROP
22. MYOB: Proper response to other couple's public arguments
23. Yes, You Can Buy Condoms (Was: WE learned to deal with the embarrassment)
24. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
25. What Goes Around Comes Around--Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
26. The Penis: His Best Friend Can Be Yours, too
27. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
28. Commitment Schmittment (Was: Wedlock Schmedlock)
29. "To Honor and Obey:" Remembering the small print above "I Do"
30. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
31. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man-child Healing Wounds by Expressing the Latent Wild Man Within?
1. Combating Stupidity 2. You, too, can do housework
3. PMS -- Learn when to keep your mouth shut
4. How to fill an ice tray
5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas -- Give us money
6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4:00am
7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled "Don't wash my silks")
8. Parenting -- No, it doesn't end with conception
9. Get a life -- learn to cook and then clean up the kitchen
10. How not to act like an asshole when you're obviously wrong
11. Spelling -- Even you can get it right
12. Understanding your financial incompetence
13. You -- The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons to give flowers
15. How to stay awake after sex
16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom
17. Garbage -- Getting it to the curb
18. You can fall asleep without "it" if you really try
19. The morning dilemma: shower first, THEN breakfast
20. I'll wear it if I damn well please
21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly "No, it's not a bidet")
22. "The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms
23. Give me a break! Why we know your excuses are bullshit
24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost
25. The remote control -- Overcoming your dependency
26. Romanticism - Ideas other than sex
27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes
28. Mothers-in-law -- They are often people, too
29. Male bonding -- Leaving your friends at home
30. You too can be a designated driver
31. Seeing the true you (Formerly: "No, you don't look like Mel Gibson, especially when naked")
32. Changing your underwear -- It really works
33. The Attainable Goal -- Omitting "tits" from your vocabulary
34. Fluffing the blankets after flatulation is NOT necessary
35. Techniques for calling home
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Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey - Nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other. "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young, co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says "You can have ANYTHING YOU WANT!"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn`t have fit you anyway."
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
" Good," said the first bat, "Because I fucking didn't!"
Scooby-DOOBIE-Doo, where are you? We need some help from you now....
Everyone remembers the cartoon show Scooby-Doo from their early childhood, right? But something you may not remember is what the show was really about. As we've gotten older, it has become more clear what Fred, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma, and Scooby were actually doing as they traversed the continent foiling crimes of all sorts in the Mystery Machine.
WHAT WE REMEMBER:
Four teenagers and their trusted dog gallop across the country in their purple and green van solving mysteries of all sorts -- and in the process meet all kinds of interesting people.
Four high-school dropouts and their sentient dog ride around the country in their psychedelic love machine, earning their way by selling drugs.
Oh, and they occasionally take some old guys mask off to solve a mystery.
It may be hard to swallow, but just take a look at the evidence...
Take Shaggy for example. Not only is he the inspiration for the current 'grunge' scene, with his sloppy dress and facial hair, but Shaggy is obviously a 'burner', i.e., he smokes marijuana. Why do you think he is constantly hungry? Shaggy can make a six foot hoagie and swallow it whole.
And then there is Scooby himself. While dogs do not generally smoke joints, Scooby gets his 'high' from Scooby-Snacks, which are in fact Hash-Brownies. Whenever Scooby, or Shaggy for that matter, eats a Scooby-Snack, they go ape! It just blows their mind and they do whatever they are told, because they are so lit! Scooby is also hungry all the time.
The other characters do not actively take part in the stoner-fest that Shaggy and Scooby do, but they do condone the selling of it because it helps support their jaunts across the country (and the world -- they drove to China once). These other characters do have their own peculiarities however...
Fred and Daphne are always splintering off from the group to go 'solve the case' by themselves. It's no real mystery what these two are really doing -- they're getting busy in the back of the Mystery Machine. Daphne, with her pretty pink legs, and Fred are constantly bumping uglies. Fred is, by the way, pumped up on steroids. One thing that remains a mystery though, is why he always wore that stupid scarf around his neck.
And what about Velma? Everyone's least favorite of the cast, was of course, a lesbian. But, as it turned out in the later episodes, she was also into beastiality. Where do you think Scrappy-Doo came from? Scrappy, who was a dog yet spoke perfect english, was obviously a product of Velma and Scooby.
So the kids spent their teenage years driving around the world, slangin' dope, shooting steroids, eating hash brownies, and doing their dog, while all the while looking for the perfect 'hit'. Oh if we had only known these things when we watched this cartoon as children...
10. Could our relationship be more Physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Her tits are just way too big!
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
4. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
3. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I'll hold your purse.
2. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.
A man goes to the doctors and says "Doc, you gotta help me!"
The doctor says "What's your problem?" The guy says every morning I wake up with my "morning flagpole"... give the missus a quick one, then go to work.
On the way to work I car pool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work.
Once I get to work I do some work and at morning tea time I go into the photocopy room and have it off with the one of the young office girls.
At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good boinking. For afternoon tea I give the boss's wife a good servicing.
I then go home and slip the maid a few inches.
Then at night I give the missus another screw......
"Well" said the doctor. "What's your problem?"
The guy says "Well, it hurts when I masturbate."
Taoism: Shit Happens Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit Happens"
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit happened before
Islam: If shit happens it is the will of Allah, so take a hostage
Atheism: I don't believe this shit
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't
Unitarianism: I love all shit
Rastafarianism: Lets smoke this shit
Presbyterianism: Let shit happen to somebody else
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough
Episcopalianism: If shit happens, it shouldn't stink
Catholicism: If shit happens, you probably deserve it
Christian Science: If shit happens, don't worry. It will go away by itself
Moonies: Only happy shit really happens
Seventh-Day Adventism: Shit happens on Saturday
Jehovahs Witness: Knock, Knock shit happens
Hare Krishna: shit happens rama rama ding ding
Televangelism: Send money immediately or shit will happen to you
Hedonism: When shit happens, enjoy it
Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
Stoicism: So shit happens? Big deal, I can take it.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
Nihilism: Who gives a shit?
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep Schitt Inn. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children.
Holy Schitt, their first, unfortunately passed on shortly after childbirth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Loada Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son, Bull Schitt.
Against his parents'objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, who was a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they produced a son, Chicken Schitt. Loada Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood, and married the Happens brothers in a grand, joyous dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrdd Schitt, and Horace Schitt.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He has recently returned to the family farm with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. The young couple is awaiting the imminent arrival of new baby boy, Tuff Schitt.
Now when someone tells you that you don't know Jack Schitt, you can gently correct them and honestly say that you're full of Schitt.